mis_catastrophe

07:30 pm: YES YES YES!!!!! I have got offered two jobs i wanted!!! One is at the wales millennium centre for theatre usher and the other one is helpline advisor for learndirect.... both are part time so basically i will have enough money to have a life again!!! YEAH!!!! and i don't have to work over xmas!!!
Its my birthday in a couple of weeks, i am gonna be 24! Thinking about getting everyone to go to the outdoor ice rink in cardiff for it, would be good to see everyone fall on their ass while i glide past! I love ice skating (or any form of skating) and i should go more often really, so will be cool. Thinking about having a party too but not sure as there is som much of my artwork hanging around that could potentially be destroyed, we'll see....

06:38 pm: Had four interview this week. I know for definite that i haven't got one of them because they have let me know already, apparently i was close but they chose someone with more office experience for both -bummer! maybe i should have stayed at my shitty admin job... The other two, i def won't get one of them because i havent provided the relevent ID documents and exam certificates... tis a shit job anyway. The other one, i am still waiting for, should know by next week, this is the one that i wanted the most anyway.... we'll see!
I am disapointed but i just have to keep trying i suppose.

04:20 pm: Had three interview so far this week and its still only Tuesday! Got another one tomorrow..... I figure that i am bound to get one of them, if not then that's real bad luck....
I'm good though, overall. Have just about got used to living with Ceri, though our flat has a 'few' problems. Because we are skint we are seeing how long we can go without putting the central heating on.... fun stuff! Also haven't seen many of my mates recently, even though i have had quite a lot of time to. Seems like i am turning into a hermit. I think the main reason is probably lack of money, it feels like a treat when i get to go to the pub and buy a couple of drinks. Sad life but actually not as bad as it could be i suppose.
Me and Ceri have started to talk about our long term goals and what we want out of life. Ceri basically wants an easy life where he doesn't have to work (doesn't everybody). He basically hasn't got a clue what he wants to do. I have loads of ideas but the thought of getting one of those jobs i applied for scares me because it means commitment and work and all my free time gone. I had an interview for caner research wales today for admin work, but cos its for a charity it seems a bit more interesting than the usual crap. It means i can get my foot into the charity sector and get expereince in fundraising. However that scares me because it makes me feel that my dreams of travelling and having fun and a carefree experience in my 20's is fading away.... I know i can't have it all ways. Ceri and i were talking about moving somewhere else, to another city too. Would be cool to have a fresh start somewhere else but i feel that we could have the same problems any where we go. We talked about travelling to. I will always want to go, and i wouyld prefer to do it while i am still young and healthy. Who knows what could happen in the future? I have so many friends that are away at the moment, and they keep sending me their photos and emails, it seems like there having an amazing time. I know that one day i will do it, i just wonder if me and ceri can do it together.....

06:15 pm: Had a real boring weekend working! What fun! Ceri's gone to get some weed now, first bit in ages. May cure my boredom, but probably not. Today i spent four hours wondering round town 'window shopping' bought some hair dye though, my hair will be red again soon... also bought a skirt, i have no money but i couldn't resist the sale price of 8 pounds....
i have gotta sort my life out, first step is to clear out all my old junk i don't need, then i am gonna start making a website for my artwork, i haven't got a clue where to start though, but hopefully i'll work it out as i go along. When i have done this i am gonna actually do some more paintings and try and organise an exhibition like the one i did last year above a shop. My aim is, by the end of the year to actually sell a painting. People have said they like my work but no ones coughed up and bought one! I am ready to sell all my work now before i was a bit protective of them but now i think its time to let go and do some more stuff.

11:19 pm: i am bored, i am bored with life, so bored i can't be bothered to cry about it anymore. So i won't.
Other news in my boring hell hole is that i m applying for loads of jobs and still not much joy. Been working at a vegatarian cafe this week for the most unorganised boss ever, (and he doesn't offer us any of the yummy food he prepares) for not a lot of money and not enough hours.
Spoke to dad yesterday and it made me realize i really miss my family and i wouldn't mind going back to bedford to see everyone (i haven't seen my mum since april). Dad said he'll bring up my art stuff and some paintings so then i can start working again. I miss painting but i am worried i will be crap at it after so long, but i am gonna try at it anyway.
Living with Ceri is strange, just being us too with no one else around is making me a bit on edge i have got to say. Still in other ways its really nice, starting to feel a bit like i am on an island though as i don't see my mates half as much anymore (though a lot of them have actually left Cardiff now to go on travelling adventures). I also feel a bit depressed because of lack of money and lack of direction, i really want to do more studying so i can get some sort of career, but the trouble is i can't decide what to do.
Thinking too much about the future i know but i need to have a plan soon a i am nearing 24 now- fuck......

05:52 pm: A lot has happened since i last wrote. The main thing is that me and ceri have moved in together! Scary shit man! Especially as neither of us have jobs.... but it will work out - i hope! So i am stil in cardiff, still trying to decide what i want to do with my life. I am thinking abot going to university next year to do a PGCE or a 14+ teaching degree, because then i can get a career and have MONEY... I rally want to go travelling soon but Ceri is not keen on the idea at the moment. I am happy to stay in cardiff and try to be an artist for now, if it doesn't work out at leas i can say i tried!
I went to Italy earlier in the month, had such a good time. Didn't really get up to much while there apart from being with my family. I realized how much i have missed not seeing my grandpaens, my cousins and my two lovely aunts. My aunt from London went with me, and we spent a lot of time talking about stuff. I didn't tell her personal things abot what has happened this year but she seemed to advise me well enough despite this. The best thing about the trip is that i actually relaxed for the first time in ages and got some sun before the winter.
I am now shitting a brick about paying the rent next month and getting a job again. This time i eally don't want a boring nine to five as i will get extremely depressed. Am still doing the photography job (questionaire shit) but that is doing my head in. How can i balance doing my art work, having money to pay rent, have a social life, see Ceri all at the same time? This is gonna very hard and i can feel the stress already. It is so weird being just me and ceri living together, i am always used to having others there too. However it really cool aswell, we have a spare room which we are gonna use as a music/art studio and when we get jobs all will be good.
Wish me luck!

01:49 pm: I haven't written for ages. So much as happened. Me and Ceri have broken up and got together about a million times in the last few months, and now we are together again and all is well. I love him.
I quit my job at the end of last month and moved out of my house. I am now crashing at my mates hannah & dan until i decide what i am gonna do with life (no i haven't decided yet). I have a kinda job where i work when i want to, but tis very crap because you have to stop people in supermarkets and ask them to fill in a questionaire. Still money is good. I nearly had to go to court because of unpaid council tax but we maanaged to sort it out just before the court date - luckily!
Went to a small festival near Hereford called Nozstock. Its run by some of ceri's friends and it had a really friendly vibe to it, no commerical crap which you usually get in a festival. There were three little stages and a dance area too. So got to listen to all of my favourite types of music while there.
Think i am gonna go away this summer, and i may have to go and live in bedford for a bit :( while i sort stuff out. (hannah's sister is moving in soon so i will have to go). I really don't like the thought of going back to Bedford and espcially hate the thought of leaving Ceri. Ceri is living near LLanelli back at his parents house so its dufficult enough to see him from there, nevermind being four and half hours apart if i go back to bedford. However after all this shit we have been through i think we are strong enough to make it work if its only for a short time. Also i am looking into working abroad and doing a winter season in the alps. I don't know if i want to really do it, but i would love to learn to ski and snowboard. The only thing is how can me and Ceri keep our relationship going if we are away from each other for this amount of time? I need some sort of change though cardiff is getting boring for me at the moment and a lot of my friends have left for good to either go back home or go travelling. Should i do the same?

12:54 pm: Had a good weekend, on friday me and Ellie decided to go the beach and 'camp' out on it, with just our sleeping bags for shelter. We got to ogmore on sea, a pretty beach not too far from Cardiff at about 4:00pm, we then had to walk the long way round to get to the actual beach because the tide was in, and the usual little stream had turned into a full on river. We had to walk over loads of steep sand dunes with all our stuff but finally we made it. WE paddled in the sea and just chilled with our strong bow. Being on a beach really chills me out and it was good to be out of Cardiff for the night. Seeing the sun setting made me forget about Ceri and all that shit for a split second and appreciate the natural beauty of the world. It started to get colder so me and Ellie started gathering drift wood and made our first fire! We are quite proud of this because on previous camping trips blokes always take over the fire building. WE chatted for a long time, her about will and me about Ceri and life in general, Ellies such a cool person, and i can't believe she's going back to oz so soon. We eventually fell aleep and i woke up in the morning with the fire still smoldering and loads of sand and ash blowing in my face. Lush! WE spend quite a lot the day there yesterday too, it was baking hot and i got a bit burnt, oh well.
When we got back to Cardiff, everyone said there's a party in Bristol, so i ended up going to that too. Can't really stay in Cardiff for long because i know Ceri's here and i think about him all the time while here. So i went off, it was jens' birthday and leaving do to go to Oz and Johns leaving do to go travelling. Everybody is pissing off, and i can't help thinking its some kind of sign to get out of here now and see the world. Met a cool guy there who's john brother in law, and he was saying baically go for it for your art, don't ever stop doing it. HE said he worked in IT for ten years and then he realized at thirty he was doing the wrong thing and ended up doing an architect degree and now he's emigrating to Canada. He's got three kids and a wife, and even though its hard work he's managing to achieve his dreams. I asked him how do you sustain a relationship for 15 years like he has and he said its physical, never let the physical side go and always strive to keep the passion going by doing it in different ways! HE said a lot of people give up too soon when it comes to relationships.
I spoke to Jen too, and she said even though you are going through a shit time in your life, these times pass and they do not last forever. She said i'm a great girl and my strong personality will see me through. I hope so, still can't help thinking about Ceri all the time. Every morning i wake up with the same feeling of dread and with a heavy heart, he's who i think of when i wake up and when i go to sleep and in my dreams. This may take a while....

12:14 pm: Went to a bbq last night at a mates and had a good time. While there i rang Ceri up in tears, which wan't the best thing i've done, because i ended up making him upset and myself even more. But i told him i love him, and he said he doesn't feel the same anymore :( the anger hasn't gone away, and he said he can't have a relationship because his hurt will just end up making him hate me. I asked to see him before he goes to France, and he said he'll let me know when he leaves. I want him to go and find himself too, and at the least i want us to be friends, i know this cannot happen straight away and i have to get over my impatience in these matters, or other wise i will screw what little chance we have left of becoming friends. Basically i have to move on and get on with my own life and decide what it is i want. This i not gonna be eay at all, at the moment all i think about his him, and what we once had. The more i think about what happened the less i understand how i got myself into it. How can he trust me when i cannot even trust myself. My self esteem is pretty low, and i feel very depressed, but i am really trying to cope. I just want this heavy heart feeling to go away, and when that happens i hope then i can appreciate the good times more. Bad times like this are shit, but i have learnt a lot even so. I WILL NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN. I will never put myself or others through this same hurt, that i have put myself through in the last two months. I just wish i can take back time, but i know i can't, so i have to deal with it in any way possible.
Ellie announced she is going back to OZ for the summer to see will her Bf, cos he wasn't allowed to come into this country and immigration sent him back straightaway. which i complete shit really. Thinking of going to oz maybe with her, its winter there, and i would really love to do snowboarding. All these possibilities to confuse me even more. Ceri aid to me last week to go off and do something big, and i know i have to, its part of my destiny, just got to figure out which direction to go in.

01:00 pm: I am at work now and i feel like i am having a panic attack. After i wrote yesterday i went to the park and read about india, cool book by Delva Murphy. Anyway got home and read my private diary written on the 14/4/2006 and basically i said how good everything was wih Ceri and how much i loved him, and how i felt the best about about our relationship than i ever had. Two days later i made it turn to shit. When i read this i burst into tears and was about to grab my bike and go round to Ceris. Rob saw me in tears and asked me where i was going and he basically persuaded me to leave it because it isn't gonna do any of us any good while i am in hysterical tears to go round his house. I know he has a point but i just want to see him before its too late. He said to me last week he's leaving to go away on the 14-16 june and that is next week.
All the time i am fighting back tears and trying to be normal at work and at home. I talk to my friends about it all the time and that helps but i feel i can't actually deal with this at all. I am even thinking about going to the doctor so i can get some happy pills or something. but i know that isn't the answer either, but if it controls my panic attacks and depressive states it might be a good idea. I have cut down on weed but drink more instead. Not enough to get trashed just enough to dull my thoughts slightly. I am not feeling good at all and i don't know what to do. Rob say s that you cannot change the past and what has happened has happened, and that i have got to give ceri space in all this because he's hurting (more than me probably) and he needs to deal with it too. I love him and the thought of losing him forever is something i cannot bare to think about.